this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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