I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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