i wish my penis had a tongue
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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