dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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