No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
