You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Actions speak louder than pants.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
