I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
