you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
