It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
