Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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