so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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