I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
