Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
