I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize