I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize