Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize