i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize