I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
