I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
