I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
