Four minutes until I can fart!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
i out mim tonsoeep
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
