and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so let's talk penis.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
