I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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