And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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