she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
