i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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