the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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