my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
