I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
