Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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