Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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