Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
