Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
