I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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