once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
