man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
