I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
this hospital has no fireball
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
