we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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