Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
