Tell her she can't have a vagina
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
