Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
