Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
