My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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