I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
