Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
