I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
