The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
