i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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