Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
