some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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