i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
