Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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