By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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