yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Randomize
