you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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