why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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