from now on my penis is your penis
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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